My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
