his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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