If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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