I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
