She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
