Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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