I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize