I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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