Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
