hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
