Swine flu. Run for my life!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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