I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think i have two assholes
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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