how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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