I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize