someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
