Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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