I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
