Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
