I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
