well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
