My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
