Kiss
Puke
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
