apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
