Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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