Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
