there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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