My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
