my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
