um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
