My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
