How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This is my gift to your gina
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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