even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
