hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
