Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
