i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
