I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
