did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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