Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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