Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
