So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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