I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My balls are so social today.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
