I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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