They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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