they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
