Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
