I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
