Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
