so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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