So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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