When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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