My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
