Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize