Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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