She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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