Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
