If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I pour the whiskey from now on
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
