Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
