I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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