I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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