i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
