dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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