she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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