so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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