John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
