Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
