Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
