her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
