he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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