Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
