my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
