Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
